I don’t watch a lot of movies. When I do, I usually rewatch them because I’m ~anxious~ and find comfort in the familiar. And what is more familiar to me than Twilight, the pop culture juggernaut that sparkled its way into all of our lives some twelve years ago? And, who has been in the news recently, oh, right! One Robert Pattinson. I’ve heard people admiring him as an actor, though I can’t say anything about his skills with a ton of certainty. I’ve, uh, only watched him in Twilight and Harry Potter.
So, in honor of our Patman formerly known as Edward Cullen, I took the liberty to watch all of the movie trailers and rank them for you today. Take these rankings with a grain of salt, because as you will find, I have zero taste. I have no idea if I’d actually like the movie or not.
Also, I’m like, so painfully basic.
23) QUEEN OF THE DESERT (2015); Directed by Werner Herzog
Sorely disappointed that the film had nothing to do with Priscilla: Queen of the Desert. Alas, there appear to be zero drag queens. This is a real shame because Pattinson would look great in a dress.
22) LOVE AND DISTRUST (2010); Directed by Daisy Gill, Darcy Yuille, Warner Loughlin, Diana Valentine, and Lorraine Bracco
Appears to be an American attempt at Love Actually. However, it is not directed by the late Garry Marshall. It also looks like it was shot for an approximately $5 budget in 1993. It has a very famous cast, including post-Iron Man Robert Downey Jr. This leads me to believe someone has blackmail on all of these people.
21) LITTLE ASHES (2008); Directed by Paul Morrison
The first image we get of Pattinson is him in what is clearly the most hilariously ridiculous wig he’s ever worn, and that includes all of his Twilight wigs. That about sums up my thoughts on the thing, honestly.
20) WAITING FOR THE BARBARIANS (2020); Directed by Cirro Guerra
What is this guy’s fixation with dramas in middle eastern countries focusing on white men? Give me a comedy, Pattinson. Based on some of the other films I watched trailers for, you clearly have comedic timing, so give me something other than “angst angst woe white man in the desert”, please.
19) THE LOST CITY OF Z (2017); Directed by James Gray
My knee-jerk reaction to this film was that it had white man saves the world vibes, which, naturally, is going to give me a negative vibe (I never said I was a rational person). But the reviews are pretty good, so take from that what you will.
18) THE KING (2019); Directed by David Michôd
I’ll admit that I have a bias against historical dramas about royalty. I did like The King’s Speech, but I would also watch Colin Firth shop for groceries and find it riveting. It does seem to be the kind of thing my dad would like (he watches Sunday night PBS the same way other people watch football – which, incidentally, he does as well. Men are allowed to have multiple interests).
17) COSMOPOLIS (2012); Directed by David Cronenberg
I really like Jay Baruchel. His little squeal of, “a beautiful little girl!” in Knocked Up makes me cry. But what the hell is Jay Baruchel doing in some weird sci-fi thriller? I was under the impression that he lived in Judd Apatow’s basement and was only let out for food, water, and pot.
16) THE CHILDHOOD OF A LEADER (2015); Directed by Brady Corbet
I could go on for a bit about how the public grossly misunderstands the psychology of killers and other Bad People, but that’s probably not appropriate for my silly rank list. I really hope the moral of this film isn’t, “oh, well, a fascist dictator wouldn’t be that if it wasn’t for xyz”. Maybe that’s not what this is, and I really hope so.
15) THE ROVER (2014); Directed by David Michôd
The Rover is one of those trailers where a lot of Stuff Happens – shoot outs! Family drama! Random images of the Australian outback! However, I’m still not sure what actually happens during this movie. I get the trailer shouldn’t give too much away, but I don’t care about explosions. I want to know what the story is.
14) BEL AMI (2012); Directed by Declan Donnellan and Nick Ormerod
I love Uma Thurman. She’s a badass. I’d watch the shit out of this movie if it was about her seducing wealthy men to scam them out of cash. But, as it stands, it’s just a man being a Lothario. Icky.
13) THE DEVIL ALL THE TIME (2020); Directed by Antonio Campos
This movie hasn’t actually been released yet, but I do have an affinity for Tom Holland, one of Gen Z’s teenage heartthrobs. This is interesting because Pattinson is one of my generation’s teenage heartthrobs. It looks alright, I guess – again, not really into films about white man pain.
12) LIFE (2015); Directed by Anton Corbijn
Maybe my impression of James Dean is way off, but I never pictured him looking like a hipster who doesn’t wash his hair. Wasn’t he more like you know, Pattinson? Granted, most of what I know about James Dean I know from Taylor Swift’s Style, so… yeah. I told you I was basic.
11) WATER FOR ELEPHANTS (2011); Directed by Francis Lawrence
Look, I too would like to fall in love with a circus performer Reese Witherspoon, therefore, I do not blame the 24-year-old Pattinson for doing so. However, I still question why someone was like, “yeah, let’s cast the kid from Twilight and Reese Witherspoon. Sounds legit.”
10) THE LIGHTHOUSE (2019); Directed by Robert Eggers
My film major younger brother will probably skewer me for ranking this so low. Our friend Danny wrote a whole post about why it’s beautiful. But, look, I’m basing my rankings off of the trailer alone. The rankings would probably drastically change if I actually watched these movies, and maybe it would be number one! Please don’t hurt me!
9) HOW TO BE (2008); Directed by Oliver Irving
As a person in a perpetual state of a quarter-life crisis, I love movies about such. The idea of Pattinson being a loser in the film’s universe is hilarious to me, but I’d still watch the shit out of this movie, under my covers, at 2:00 AM, while I eat French fries and cry.
8) REMEMBER ME (2010); Directed by Allen Coulter
This thing was very clearly made by Summit (the production company behind Twilight) to market our favorite sad boi as a ~sErIoUs~ actor, even though Pattinson mostly comes across as a rich prat who crashed his dad’s car. But, uh… he looks really good here. Like really good (I’m sorry. I really tried not to objectify him, but I’m only human and look at him ohmigod).
7) MAPS TO THE STARS (2014); Directed by David Cronenberg
I’m not a thriller/horror person (I was terrified of that section of my local Hollywood video as a kid), but I do have a passion for Julianne Moore. I’d watch it, but then spend the rest of the night telling myself God is bigger than the Boogie Man, Godzilla, or the Monsters on TV.
6) GOOD TIME (2017); Directed by Benny and Josh Safdie
Hey, someone figured out how to make our boy look like a convincing criminal! This is another one of those films that I should see, and my little brother probably loves it, but I’ll still probably put it off because I have Animal Crossing hybrid flowers to tend to.
5) HIGH LIFE (2019); Directed by Claire Denis
Hey! A female director! Good for you, buddy! I saw this trailer at an art-house theater. I couldn’t help but think that we get more daddy Edward moments in this trailer than we do in the entirety of Breaking Dawn. Renesmee, is that you?
4) DAMSEL (2018); Directed by David and Nathan Zellner
I’ve always thought westerns were boring (I realize that at this point it sounds like I like nothing, but that’s not true – it’s just that the things I do like are excessively lame). But, I dunno man, this looks really fun. He has crazy eyes and I’m intrigued.
3) THE BATMAN (2021); Directed by Matt Reeves
Ah, the one that brought together superhero fanboys and Twilight fangirls. There can be harmony in the universe! Again, you have to understand that I’m not cool at all. My favorite superhero movie is Wonder Woman. I’ve only seen one Batman movie – Batman Begins, at church youth group movie night. It was okay.
2) TENET (2020); Directed by Christopher Nolan
I always promised myself I’d see Inception when it came out the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of high school, and I never did – and still haven’t seen it, to this day. I have a terrible feeling this film will be similar. But Pattinson looks fine and I liked the song they played in the trailer.
Now, reader, you could be wondering, what could possibly be number one if I’ve gone through every movie he’s ever been in besides Harry Potter and Twilight? Haven’t I seen all of those? You’ve reread Twilight a million times! Right? Right?!?!
1) THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 2 (2012); Directed by Bill Condon
Okay, so this may be a bit misleading – I have seen like half of it before I got kind of bored and stopped watching. But you have to understand that the last Twilight movie I saw in theaters was Eclipse when I was a shithead fifteen-year-old, and I dressed as Harry Potter. So, no, I’ve never watched the fake-out battle scene, even though I do know what happens. At this point, it’s sort of a bad inside joke with myself. So why is it here? Because it’s my list, so get over it. I warned you that I’m awful.