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I’m Just Gonna Say It… Ranch Is Gross

Image from Epicurious.

Listen, I’m not here to start any trouble, but it would be a disservice to my tastebuds not to publicize my absolute disdain for ranch dressing.

In theory, ranch should work. It’s typically made of a creamy element (buttermilk, sour cream, even mayonnaise), herbs (parsley, thyme, dill, etc.), onion, garlic, and black pepper (according to the New York Times). The result, however, is anything but pleasant. It’s thick. Too thick. The mixture of spices gets lost in the overly goopy creamy base, resulting in a lack of flavor and a dressing that doesn’t mix well in salads.

I don’t even need to point out the lack of nutritional value, but I will. While natural ranch dressing is almost purely fat-based, the store-bought ranch has added chemicals, sugar, and oils that needless to say, aren’t exactly conducive to good health. Why eat a salad if you’re going to drench it in a disgusting, flavorless lipid goo? You’d be better off just eating a burger and fries, which would taste exponentially better.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on ranch with pizza.

PIZZA?!

Why would anyone ruin a perfectly good, taste-rich, consistency-pleasant meal with fucking ranch dressing? What are you hoping to accomplish, the death of good food and gastronomy? Pizza is perfectly balanced by itself: a carb base, followed by (typically) a tomato-based sauce, then beautifully melted cheese, and topped with whatever added solid ingredients one desires (veggies, meat, even fruit, which is an argument for another day). Adding ranch to pizza is an insult to the pizza itself, to whoever made the pizza, and to the entire country of Italy.

Ranch belongs in nobody’s mouth – it adds nothing of value to any meal, only a dense, viscous consistency, a lack of flavor, and more calories than it’s worth. Do yourself and your tastebuds a favor, and stop consuming it. Try blue cheese dressing if you like creaminess or a vinaigrette if you want to eat an enjoyable salad. It’s time for the ranch-craze to die.

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Written by Danny

Student at Georgetown University. Lover of Film and TV. Self-taught clown.

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Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy on Unsplash

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